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If you are very ill
Try phoning 112. Not many people know that it is the EU-wide emergency
number, including in the UK. If you have chest pain or acute abdominal pain go
to hospital any way you can. Make sure it is an A&E unit that takes
emergencies. Try to find out whether they are on take. A good
general rule with hospitals is to keep asking for the general
manager or chief executive or even chairman if they seem to be
taking no notice of you; their names are usually prominently
displayed near the entrance to the hospital. Or say you are
the local MP.
If you are in the vicinity of someone who has collapsed and
appears to have died ring 999; they will give you advice on what to
do, while the ambulance is making its way to you. Check their
airway, look for false teeth. Chances are a
policemen will arrive first and can take over. It is always worth
banging someone in the middle of the chest first, then trying to compress the chest of someone who appears dead. Press
in the middle, much harder than you think you should at about
100 pushes a minute. You will tend to do it too fast, because your
adrenalin is up, so consciously slow it a bit. If you are in a big
public place there may well be a defibrillator handy. They are very
simple and foolproof - honest. Just read the instructions, while
someone else compresses the patient's chest.
Don't feel down if you fail. The TV shows lots of people being
successfully resuscitated; they lie, it's quite rare. It's not that easy to fight off
the dark angel of death by pummelling.
If you are ill and need advice
 You could try phoning NHS Direct, but I guess you have a computer if you
are reading this and can use the online version. In my experience
both are not much help. There is lots of stuff online, most of it
downright misleading, some quite dangerous and most requiring money
off you at some point. The
Cochrane Collaboration has a list of online medical evidence.
You will probably have to cough up for some of these but they will
probably do no harm. The
BMJ Evidence Centre is probably the best for non professionals,
though I have not tried it myself
If you are not ill, but like showing off
Make it up, lots of people do
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